This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: November 15, 2019
November 9
doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him
— reaghan (@reaghhan) November 9, 2019
Newt Gingrich's mom: newt gingrich
my son wanted to go to disneyland, with my underpaid job he will have to settle with this pic.twitter.com/BPAZDyIJi4
— ☆彡 (@honeybun) November 10, 2019
I think it's weird that half of the country says they don't know if they are ready for a gay President. You do realize you don't have to sleep with him, right? I know the current President is having sex with everyone, but Mayor Pete is happily married. You're good.
— Dana Goldberg (@DGComedy) November 10, 2019
TWITTER, WE ARE GETTING OLD 😤😢😥
— Goo Spewer @MFF (@SammyTheOG) November 9, 2019
2000 was 19 YEARS AGO
1995 was 24 YEARS AGO
1989 was 30 YEARS AGO
1985 was 34 YEARS AGO
1453 was 566 YEARS AGO
THESE KIDS TODAY DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THE SIEGE OF CONSTANTINOPLE AND THE FALL OF THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE
The "adulting" shelf pic.twitter.com/dyy37kBd1B
— tobacco dad (@tobaccodad) November 9, 2019
I want to lay you down in a pic.twitter.com/lpKzwCs04d
— Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) November 9, 2019
My mam and dad went to a girlfriends house with me to meet her parents. They had a canary which flew free around the front room. My dad said his hellos, sat down and crossed his legs and in doing so accidentally hoofed the bird into their roaring open fire. https://t.co/lhgE6JwpHO
— Col (@Bigshirtlesscol) November 9, 2019
I have watched this approximately 9,345,678 times so far today pic.twitter.com/6ND1H1qAMF
— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) November 9, 2019
I hate this bitch https://t.co/EIzcblnN3O
— Azul 🦋 (@itsazul_) November 9, 2019
Stockholm syndrome https://t.co/z0Nc5HULfj
— 𝕊𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕒 (@Chelsea_woah) November 9, 2019
So this just happened live on @MSNBC at the Alabama - LSU game. 😂
— Midnite Mogwai (@midnitemogwai) November 9, 2019
Reporter: Why do you like the President so much and what policies stand out to you?
Student "Parker Savage": Jeffery Epstein didn't kill himself. *takes off Trump pin and drops it on ground* pic.twitter.com/xTZtjpMfQ5
Alabama had not lost a home game in four years, winning 31 straight. Then Trump came, and they cheered him, and they lost. #ETTD
— Greg Olear (@gregolear) November 10, 2019
The Dark Knight Rises (2012) pic.twitter.com/cAseV6NWfm
— dagnabbit brian (@mrbrianfirenzi) November 9, 2019
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
— patrick thanksgiving (@lunch_enjoyer) November 9, 2019
November 10
What gender reveal beats popping out of a vagina?
— Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) November 11, 2019
[on wheel of fortune]
— harvard graduate (@heelyfanaccount) November 10, 2019
me: i'd like to buy an owl
pat: u mean a vowel
me: no someone said u guys sell owls
pat: who
me: i just fuckin heard one
I stopped at the bookstore tonight. pic.twitter.com/t8LtdbPrpq
— Snarky Stardust (@HootPhD) November 11, 2019
when my dad worked in advertising his firm hired a fancy NYC production co. and when they asked what props he needed for a shoot he said "some acorns" and this is what they brought him a week later pic.twitter.com/vuf3HBQ8JO
— slug (@generalslug) November 10, 2019
YALL JUST LOST AT HOME TO CHRIS BOUCHER AND RONDAE HOLLIS JEFFERSON AND MATT THOMAS AND TERENCE DAVIS SIT DOWN https://t.co/LMIqbpZBJi
— William Lou (@william_lou) November 11, 2019
"Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me." pic.twitter.com/YAsy7RbLo0
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) November 10, 2019
I feel like the @nytimes is abusing their alert privileges pic.twitter.com/thlomxi3dC
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) November 10, 2019
Took my kids to Chuck E Cheese yesterday. A lot of tension in the band. pic.twitter.com/lRn2An2bUE
— Marla Caceres (@MarlaCaceres) November 10, 2019
November 11
Donald Trump Jr. promoting his book "Triggered" at a college and getting heckled by right wingers to the point he has to leave because he's so triggered is pretty funny https://t.co/SQuqWYIGhs
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) November 11, 2019
Don Cherry leaves behind a proud legacy of telling Canadians that getting a concussion is gay
— Jordan Foisy (@JordanFoisy) November 11, 2019
cancel culture is alive!!!! just look at don cherry!!!!!!!!!!! you have the same job for six hundred and twenty nine years and one day you say something racist after six hundred and twenty nine years of saying racist things and poof — you're out of work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) November 11, 2019
Fabricland files for bankruptcy after biggest customer fired from Coach's Corner pic.twitter.com/sBvsb5qgJU
— The Beaverton (@TheBeaverton) November 11, 2019
#DonCherryIsRight next to me at the unemployment office
— Father Idunno (@DuncanIdunno) November 11, 2019
Busting a catnip party.... pic.twitter.com/tcxgYXTJQJ
— Mr. Meowgi (@Mr_Meowwwgi) November 11, 2019
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
— Nathalie Antonia! (@natsantonia) November 11, 2019
why are car companies making better lesbian movies than hollywood https://t.co/2fkuHKUzC3
— Jeanna Kadlec 🌈 (@jeannakadlec) November 12, 2019
Hope you have a hammer and nails cus it's not gonna hang itself https://t.co/I4BmOh7uK3
— the penultimate straw (@thewomaniswild) November 12, 2019
i have a confession to make. for the last month I've slowly been editing sebastian gorka's head larger and larger on wikipedia pic.twitter.com/flrkChQKY1
— Chief Justice Keef (@ohip13) November 11, 2019
so i'm just watching the @Canes game and... pic.twitter.com/zIXTV8m5yk
— Brianna Airington (@bairington44) November 12, 2019
potassium be like https://t.co/LNDF1IdG0H
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) November 11, 2019
"You can shoot me, but you'll have to kill us all."
— 🏳️🌈 Max 🏳️🌈 (@SpillerOfTea) November 11, 2019
[pause for applause]
Earpiece guy: "No one's fucking clapping, you ridiculous monolith of dogshit. Fucking say something."
"Something."pic.twitter.com/NzFvBuqCFm
November 12
omg, this is the full movie title? https://t.co/G1IBTCC93A
— Blanche Devereaux stan (@prominentbabee) November 12, 2019
this is like when that lady ruined that painting of Jesus except this time I actually care https://t.co/760pLg1iAG
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) November 12, 2019
Disney Plus:
— Nick Greene (@NickGreene) November 12, 2019
—$84 per year
—Glitchy, doesn't work right
—No 'Night Court'
'Night Court' Seasons 1-3 on DVD:
—$27.99 one-time fee
—Works great in my DVD player
—Includes 3 seasons of 'Night Court'
We are sorry, due to ongoing problems online, Star Wars content is no longer available for our male fans. https://t.co/IEnv6xjMA8
— Disney Prime Video (@GetDisneyPrime) November 12, 2019
OMG I don't even know what to do with this! pic.twitter.com/Yl7MDwHNs8
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) November 12, 2019
The Black Plague was a PR disaster for rats as a species. They never truly recovered until 2007 (release of Ratatouille)
— mattfred (@itsmattfred) November 12, 2019
NFL: "You tryna workout for some teams?"
— Josiah Johnson (@KingJosiah54) November 13, 2019
Kaepernick: pic.twitter.com/WEyZVCWqOp
ah, https://t.co/wTGPAVTXpJ pic.twitter.com/7rGh63QkGs
— audrey bowler (@aud_bowler) November 13, 2019
Yesterday, this man was just fired for xenophobic comments.
— Sleeping Giants (@slpng_giants) November 13, 2019
Today, he's welcomed on Tucker Carlson's show.
This show is so brazen with its bigotry, it's ridiculous. https://t.co/87PSBvt8rB
just a masterful tweet https://t.co/28abtffMYO
— Sophie Kleeman (@sophiekleeman) November 12, 2019
I accidentally signed up for Disney- and it's just the scenes where animated characters watch their parents die. :(
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 13, 2019
Dude, it's not as if work is keeping you here. https://t.co/8wgjyUwLRM
— Quinn Cummings (@quinncy) November 12, 2019
November 13
Robert Pattinson, legend pic.twitter.com/TnirZX88Fc
— Jacob Oller (@JacobOller) November 13, 2019
Is this my actual daughter 😍🔥pic.twitter.com/x8OIZfPuPN
— Vanessa Angélica Villarreal (@Vanessid) November 14, 2019
"these edibles ain't shit"
— King Roc (@BR_Nation) November 13, 2019
1 hour later: pic.twitter.com/H3voTI1N3e
if you have any questions just go pspspsps and I'll come to you pic.twitter.com/YdQB1yX6SF
— Finessa Hudgens ✧ (@coolado_) November 14, 2019
After running around like an absolute maniac this is how my cat fell asleep pic.twitter.com/9xrOO4ClKQ
— Megan (@megan__coe) November 14, 2019
our country is—to quote one of its great philosophes, Ray from Trailer Park Boys—stupider as fuck. https://t.co/OUAm2OcWtV
— john (@johnsemley3000) November 14, 2019
This is why I hate group projects pic.twitter.com/fwAzw0iaIs
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) November 13, 2019
Devin Nunes said stop retweeting pic.twitter.com/0SbX9Iwkto
— Adam Parkhomenko (@AdamParkhomenko) November 13, 2019
Has any GOP member explained why — if as Jim Jordan says Ukraine is "one of the three most corrupt countries on the planet" — Trump trusted them to investigate two U.S. citizens for...corruption? 🤔
— Asha Rangappa (@AshaRangappa_) November 13, 2019
okay what the fuck did I just watch pic.twitter.com/Ny2Etsm9Hm
— 𝖘𝖍𝖗𝖎𝖒𝖕 𝖇𝖎𝖓𝖈𝖍 (@shrimpbinch) November 13, 2019
Jim Jordan set himself up for this one pic.twitter.com/2TuavyNuDK
— jordan (@JordanUhl) November 13, 2019
the Impeachment Hearings is like watching Wheel of Fortune where the puzzle is completely solved but contestants keep guessing letters
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) November 13, 2019
November 14
20 mins into Disney+ and chill and I already got a friend in me 🤠
— Jen🧸 (@MissJenHernande) November 14, 2019
Are you fucking kidding me pic.twitter.com/Xnpbn4GxtN
— Nancy 🌻 (@cincynancy) November 14, 2019
We got a new video baby monitor and I think that was a mistake pic.twitter.com/Cu3Qwb0baJ
— Passion Pop Socialist (@PassionPopSoc) November 14, 2019
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) November 15, 2019
most hardbody shit i done ever seen man like bro WAT https://t.co/z2HgReOjDC
— boy you a fool (@sceneboyvarcee) November 14, 2019
Speaker Pelosi: "If the president has something that is exculpatory — Mr. President, that means do you have anything that shows your innocence — then he should make that known ... So far, we haven't seen that, but we welcome it." Via ABCpic.twitter.com/h87oGKqMr7
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) November 14, 2019
November 15
Roger Stone holding up this "Hillary for Prison" shirt deserves more play than it's been getting. pic.twitter.com/fwbStzaNMN
— Kara Calavera (@KaraCalavera) November 16, 2019
PREEMPTIVE THEORY: Roger Stone didn't commit suicide.
— Justin Staggs Ⓥ (@Staggfilms) November 15, 2019
A story in two acts: pic.twitter.com/nEWSpgiAVN
— Kyle Cheney (@kyledcheney) November 15, 2019
Stone: GUILTY
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) November 15, 2019
Manafort: GUILTY
Cohen: GUILTY
Flynn: GUILTY
Papadopoulos: GUILTY
van der Zwaan: GUILTY
Gates: GUILTY
Pinedo: GUILTY
I'm no lawyer, but I'd guess the guy who all these criminals did crimes for is probably innocent
I worked at McDonald's for two and a half years and I put 11 nuggets in almost every 10-piece I made
— Cody Bondarchuk (@codybondarchuk) November 16, 2019
you look like all three workaholics at once https://t.co/pW4dnQH8l2
— i'm sorry chandler (@kentquazar) November 15, 2019
LeBron's too old.
— The Crossover (@TheCrossover) November 16, 2019
LeBron don't got it no more.
LeBron's washed up.
(via @NBA)pic.twitter.com/sPdF5fT4SE
Cows trying to scare Canadian goose but pic.twitter.com/RFaSWQK3rv
— Back To Nature (@backt0nature) November 15, 2019
By the way, I'm not building a brand because I'm not selling anything. And I'm not selling anything because I've worked for three decades at a job that my father didn't get me. https://t.co/UtTCGp6Xrb
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) November 15, 2019
americans: oh shit vaping has killed ten people get rid of vaping
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 15, 2019
also americans: oh shit guns have killed ten thousand people get rid of everyone pointing this out