This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: June 12, 2020
June 6
Still thinking about how people were like "not all cops!" then literally all cops in Buffalo were like "no, it's all of us"
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 6, 2020
Are they applauding their colleagues for assaulting a 75 year old man, or are they applauding themselves for walking over him as he bled from his head? So much to applaud about all round. https://t.co/P7DMt47NRl
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) June 6, 2020
I personally think it's really cool how we all went from learning how to make banana bread to learning how to abolish the police in a matter of weeks
— Asma Nizami (@asmaresists) June 6, 2020
Like shooting fish in a barrel: pic.twitter.com/hxvZ6GgoH5
— Tom Morello (@tmorello) June 6, 2020
Everyone: END POLICE BRUTALITY
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 7, 2020
JK Rowling: I noticed we aren't talking about me
j.k. rowling is so embarrassing can we just pretend like daniel radcliffe wrote harry potter
— gianna (@lonelyfilms) June 6, 2020
Her name is 'J.K.' because this bitch can't be serious
— Annabel Meschke (@annabel_meschke) June 7, 2020
I AM DYING 🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/JIrqQzG6Tv
— Santiago Mayer (@santiagomayer_) June 7, 2020
normalize shutting the fuck up when u don't know what ur talking about
— logan (@brainwxrms) June 6, 2020
TED CRUZ HASN'T WIPED HIS ASS IN 3 MONTHS https://t.co/pyPlcbXRqG
— French Canadian Montana (@PeezyTX) June 6, 2020
This is without question the whitest thing I have ever seen... And I wrote for *FRASIER*. https://t.co/PoctIy0qjJ
— Joe Keenan (@MrJoeKeenan) June 6, 2020
1993 Harrison Ford was quarantined with 2020 Harrison Ford and it did not go well pic.twitter.com/SzB7YFrjv2
— DISTANT MAN (@MikeMacRaeMike) June 7, 2020
"Defund the police? Impossible!" they cried as they defunded education, healthcare, social security, welfare, planned parenthood, public transit...
— Andrew *is tired of this* Nguyen (@batwingdings) June 7, 2020
June 7
Yeah sex is great but have you ever seen people dump the statue of a slave owner in the very river where his slave ships used to dock.
— Dalia Gebrial (@daliagebrial) June 7, 2020
Naw, man, as the singular (1) heir of this family, I declare it's cool. https://t.co/bcBrff74WN
— Alex Colston (@re_colston) June 7, 2020
It's sad that 'black' is messing some people up. If you ask people 'how should we treat people?' they go 'good!' but you ask 'how should we treat black people?' some people go 'Well I'm listening & learning & reading books & I've watched four documentaries I'll get back to you!'
— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) June 7, 2020
if "all lives matter" why won't you wear a mask at the grocery store?
— mark glick (@anxietymachine) June 8, 2020
I joined twitter because of One Direction and now I want to defund and abolish the police
— ☾ hannah rat (@hannah_unlost) June 8, 2020
If Seattle cops think getting hit with a half empty water bottle justifies violently attacking the entire crowd they should definitely never be the solo acoustic opener for Third Eye Blind on tour. Trust me.
— Kimya Dawson (@mrskimyadawson) June 7, 2020
I assume this will be followed by Lindsey Graham giving a talk on how to eat pussy https://t.co/BxIHF9SIwK
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) June 8, 2020
June 8
this is my favorite meme I've seen in weeks pic.twitter.com/2HC7egforr
— ken (@kickeep) June 8, 2020
White people have no problem pronouncing Daenerys Targaryen but start stuttering when tryna pronounce Ahmed
— amna (@amnaaxs) June 8, 2020
THE COVID CASES ARE SPIKING BECAUSE OF THE CLOWNS REOPENING FOR MEMORIAL DAY NOT THE PROTESTS IT IS TOO SOON FOR THE PROTESTS TO EVEN COUNT IN THE DATA YOU ABSOLUTE SHITNOZZLES
— defund the police sparks 🖤🥂⚾️🏀 (@kyliesparks) June 8, 2020
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
— David Burr Gerrard (@DBGerrard) June 8, 2020
queen n spadina mcdonalds employees have more de-escalation skills than the police
— holita (@oreganomami) June 8, 2020
Woody Harrelson is trending because people think he's the racist guy in a video. I was his waiter once and he stayed late and felt bad so he invited me, his waiter, to join his group, let me smoke a full joint, and then went into the racist history of Robert Moses. It's not him.
— Grant O'Brien (@GrantOB) June 9, 2020
A clitoris has 8000 nerve endings and it's still not as sensitive has a man with a sports avi, 17 followers and 🇺🇸 in their avi
— Lauren Elizabeth (@yesimLAbaby) June 8, 2020
Do you know how racist you have to be for you to be fishing the statue of a slave trader out the river. https://t.co/RYYAxsxTNa
— Sun Tzilla (@SunTzilla) June 8, 2020
I WISH there was a way to learn history without statues!!! Remember lugging around five suitcases full of statues from class to class all throughout high school?? My shelves are FULL of statues now it's PUTTING A LOT OF STRAIN ON MY FLOORS
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) June 8, 2020
Darth Vader was a Jedi. https://t.co/E0yJeaFK5W
— Adam Rothman (@arothmanhistory) June 8, 2020
— bird/h (@BirdPerHour) June 8, 2020
white people have completely lost every single one of their marbles https://t.co/ynhVRzN6Nx
— Lawrence Burney (@TrueLaurels) June 8, 2020
How to lobster pic.twitter.com/PZTlomCi5T
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 9, 2020
June 9
Dear everyone who is uncomfortable right now: that's the point.
— Sam Sanders (@samsanders) June 9, 2020
The people angrily denouncing Rage Against the Machine for Tom Morello's leftist politics is one of the more hilarious things I have ever seen on the internet. WHAT MACHINE DID YOU THINK THEY HAVE BEEN RAGING AGAINST FOR DECADES? THE ICE CREAM MACHINE? THE ATM? LAWNMOWERS?
— Elisabeth Ryan JD MPH (@EJAllstonEsq) June 10, 2020
I wish Rage Against The Machine would stop being political and go back to writing songs about bulls at a parade
— Doctor Brent Kissing (@ItsDanSheehan) June 10, 2020
old white dudes love listening to bands like rage against the machine for years and then getting mad as hell that "the machine" means a racist government and not the new iPhone they don't know how to use
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) June 9, 2020
Who job hiring $100 a second, I'm looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.
— Matt (@benjiovo) June 10, 2020
REPLACE ALL CONFEDERATE STATUES IN TENNESSEE WITH DOLLY PARTON
— Turbo Charged Juul (@bhuddlez) June 9, 2020
Bit worried all the mermaids are currently falling in love with slave owners pic.twitter.com/OS0ecPtsTV
— Josh Weller (@joshweller) June 9, 2020
damn that's crazy, Breonna Taylor was murdered in her place of comfort. https://t.co/i2M7bU93G5
— Dreka Jr. ✂️ (@SmdSzn) June 9, 2020
NOW can we finally talk frankly as an nation about how diseased a mind the president of the United States has? https://t.co/8s1Qbc2MQm
— George Conway (@gtconway3d) June 9, 2020
What if the President is right and Antifa is breeding 75-year-old super soldiers who fall over on command?
— Brian Heater (@bheater) June 9, 2020
italian man lying on the floor unconscious while the police stand there and do nothing pic.twitter.com/5HjroXwjcz
— wanye 🌏☄️💕 (@omgwanye) June 9, 2020
The official car of "defund the police" is this LAPD Lamborghini parked in a disabled spot pic.twitter.com/Jsr5Tyzdz2
— Peter Miller (@peter_miller) June 9, 2020
Cops aren't wearing their uniforms to and from work right now because they're afraid someone might attack them or their families. Can you imagine that? Living with a constant fear of being killed by a complete stranger because, to them, you look like a threat?
— ☭ Woke King ♚ (@PurelyPurgatory) June 9, 2020
"Stop treating us the way we treat black people." https://t.co/BYT8W4XDi7
— Broderick Hunter (@BroderickHunter) June 9, 2020
June 10
we need a term for butter face but for like men who are tall and that's it, the rest is bad
— luisa díez (@luisadieznuts) June 10, 2020
canadian media right now: are cops racist? Let's ask cops. They say no
— Matthew Cardinal ✨🌺 (@MatthwCrdinal) June 11, 2020
Ok hold on hold on if we abolish police then eventually we're going to look at abolishing prisons and then the military...is that what you guys want?? An end to American imperialism??? Peace on earth? Happiness and equality for all people??? slippery slope y'all
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) June 10, 2020
My 7 year old can't believe that police don't go to law school. "Their whole job is the law, that doesn't make sense." No shit kid, go to bed.
— Edgar Blackmon (@edgarblackmon) June 11, 2020
sorry i didnt mean to open ur ig story 20 seconds after u posted im just unemployed
— chris? (@BrokenAsChris) June 11, 2020
how tf a computer gone ask me if i'm a robot 😭 bitch you da robot 😭😭
— ya personal slut (@liddlexie) June 10, 2020
If the police did their jobs, everyone woud trust them. Ain't no song called Fuck The Fire Department.
— paulo. (@itskingapollo) June 10, 2020
You don't see the cops arresting the KKK for the same reason you don't see Donald Glover and Childish Gambino in the same room together https://t.co/aVQrRy37HN
— ᜇᜒᜀᜈ (@dianaofvirginia) June 10, 2020
I never thought I would get a chance to go back in time to vote against the Confederacy, but ok.
— Brian Schatz (@brianschatz) June 10, 2020
throw every christopher columbus statue in the ocean and let that dizzy bitch think he discovered atlantis
— ziwe (@ziwe) June 10, 2020
If you are looking for statues of famous Italian Americans to replace Columbus, consider the 5 meter tall statue of Tony Soprano in Lithuania pic.twitter.com/8xlCFZAM0D
— Jᴀᴄᴋʏ☮︎Bʀᴀᴡɴ (@jckybrwn) June 10, 2020
ME: wish i could eat in a restaurant again
— Miles Klee (@MilesKlee) June 11, 2020
RESTAURANTS: good news, we're reopening! come on in!
ME: lol fuck that
June 11
Wow, that was a wild few minutes where the actual President of the USA was following me on Twitter and even sent me a message. Shame it ended so badly 😭 pic.twitter.com/KejDKTleNu
— Liam Bennett (@ljkbennett) June 11, 2020
Giving up *Is* a pretty good way to honor that flag. https://t.co/d91GbWfy9w
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) June 11, 2020
Then he'd be like "why are there all these statues of people who wanted to kill me" https://t.co/q52peweSA8
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 12, 2020
The President of the United States is in Dallas.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) June 11, 2020
Memories.
"iT's oUr HeRitAgE"
— Audrey (@lifeasasleeper) June 12, 2020
Pokemon Go has lasted longer than the confederacy did and with three times the Americans behind it, you're lucky they only took the statues down instead of replacing them with Pikachus
Wait wait wait, so let me get this straight... they passed Breonna's law but didn't arrest the cops who murdered her? Make it make sense?
— big poppa lysse (@filipinahipstur) June 12, 2020
8:46 - Dave Chappelle https://t.co/Veh98HWrEI
— Netflix Is A Joke (@NetflixIsAJoke) June 12, 2020
tell me why the fuck my brother took comparison photos in the same spot without me it looks like i died pic.twitter.com/0CaxYf452g
— Crush2016 (@kanoajung) June 11, 2020
THIS ACCOUNT POSTS EXACTLY WHAT TRUMP POSTS WORD FOR WORD AND GOT A WARNING OF SUSPENSION FROM FACEBOOK⬇️⬇️⬇️ https://t.co/2f5LQ0zPSj
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) June 11, 2020
We're gonna have to retire the expression "avoid it like the plague" because it turns out humans do not do that
— Jenny Nicholson (@JennyENicholson) June 12, 2020
Nothing has changed in terms of the pandemic. If we shouldn't have been open in mid-March then we shouldn't be opening anything now, literally nothing has changed except that the government doesn't want to send you any more checks and so is just giving up
— Joseph Fink, healthcare is a human right (@PlanetofFinks) June 12, 2020
June 12
"Which picture should we use?" pic.twitter.com/6mCDpzh8vp
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) June 12, 2020
I'm trying to figure out what I sat in my house for three months for if they were just gonna turn around and be like "we give up, everything's open, good luck bitch"
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) June 13, 2020
— Katie MacBride (@msmacb) June 13, 2020
I just heard a guy outside of a restaurant with no mask say "covid is actually bad for your body, it's like smoking a cigarette, it won't kill you but it's still bad" and the other guy said "that's an interesting comparisment" 🥴
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 13, 2020
all hail the new god https://t.co/MwH2albasq
— Miles Klee (@MilesKlee) June 12, 2020
How to water pic.twitter.com/1wCzqAlvMq
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 13, 2020